Why the City of London Should Go the Way of the Colombo Stock Exchange (and Why That’s Not a Bad Thing)

Satirical op-ed. Even market guys need a laugh now n again...

Ah, the City of London — once the glittering jewel of global finance, now an over-polished paperweight gathering dust on a Brexit-weakened mahogany desk.

For decades, London was the place where the world’s capital met its wiliest capitalists. But let’s be honest: today, the UK stock market is less the “crown jewel” of capitalism and more a clearance bin of underwhelming equities, questionable ETFs, and tax regimes that seem designed by a committee of Dickensian clerks.

Let’s start with the numbers. FTSE 100? More like FTSE “Sleepy Hundred.” The index has underperformed so consistently it makes a tracker fund look like an act of self-harm. And when you peek under the hood — oil giants, banks stuck in regulatory molasses, tobacco dinosaurs, and companies whose best days were in the Thatcher era — it’s clear this is less a “market” and more a financial hospice.

And then there’s the ETF scene. Look at IGLT.L — the flagship UK gilt ETF. You’d think tracking your own government’s debt would be a boring, stable affair. Instead, you get a rollercoaster of yield shocks, political drama, and policy blunders that would make even Italian bond traders sweat.

But the real kicker? The tax regime. UK investors are battered with stamp duty, dividend taxes, capital gains taxes, and a general air of government suspicion, as if making money is a social crime. Meanwhile, pension funds and insurers are herded like sheep into “safe” assets — which are about as safe as a seaside pub at closing time.

So here’s the radical idea: maybe it’s time for the City of London to gracefully fade into irrelevance, much like the Colombo Stock Exchange (CSE) — a local market that ticks along quietly, modestly, mostly ignored by the outside world. The CSE has accepted its niche status with grace. There’s no pretension of being a global powerhouse; no empty posturing; just local companies doing local things. Sometimes, anonymity is a strategy.

Imagine the freedom:✅ No more frantic rebranding of “Global Britain.”✅ No more overpromising fintech revolutions.✅ No more embarrassing attempts to poach New York or Hong Kong listings.✅ Just a calm, sleepy, reasonably functional market where locals trade shares, have a cuppa, and get on with their day.

Perhaps it’s time we stop pretending the City of London is still the beating heart of global finance. After all, hearts can only take so much cholesterol.

Disclaimer: This article is intended as satirical commentary. The author holds no positions in UK stocks (thankfully) and takes no responsibility for hurt feelings in Mayfair.